How to get better at accepting compliments and what to do with one once you get it
Whether you’re the type of person who needs a confidence boost or you don’t want to appear too cocky, many of us struggle to accept compliments. Whether you respond with blushing, cringing, or both, learning how to accept a compliment doesn’t just make the experience better for you—it will make it better for the compliment-giver as well.
Recently, as part of a team-building exercise, a client shared the following: “Caitlin is a wizard with a pen (or keyboard, or wand). Don’t let her self-deprecation fool you: though she is humble (and equipped with a shield of humor), she is incredibly talented….” and it went on to say a lot of kind and wonderful things about me. My response? “OMGGGGGGG I just dropped dead and melted onto the floor :sobbing emoji: IT'S TOO POSITIVE.”
This got me thinking about how I respond to compliments, because not only did reading this make me shrivel up and die inside, this team knew that I would react that way by referencing it in the second sentence of the compliment itself. What do I say and do that this team, who I’ve known only a few months, would throw up their own shield at the beginning of a compliment by referencing my tendency toward self-deprecation?
I love giving compliments and of course it’s easier and nicer when the other person responds even with a simple thank you, so how has it made them feel that I respond to their praise with self-deprecating humor? Is there something I can do differently to make it a more positive experience for everyone involved?
Different cultures, regions, and families give and accept compliments in different ways, have different ideas about gratitude, and different communication styles and norms. That’s cool! But if the way you accept compliments isn’t working for you anymore and you’d like to adjust it, here are some things you can try.
What might have happened to make it hard for you to accept compliments?
Think about the exact things we just mentioned: your culture, where you were brought up, or the way your family gave and received compliments. If you’ve struggled with self-confidence at any point, that can also make accepting compliments difficult.
We’re not trying to place blame or change anything, we’re simply noticing events that might have happened in our past that could contribute to the way we interpret and react to compliments. Even some simple journaling or self-reflection can raise awareness about why we think, act, and speak the way we do. It’s not that the experiences or memories are good or bad, necessarily, they’re just there—information we can use to change, or not.
How to get better at accepting compliments
One of the easiest ways to get better at accepting compliments is to think about how your ideal recipient would respond when you give a compliment. You might be able to remember a time when you complimented someone and they responded with:
It was nothing.
I’m not the one you should be thanking, it was all _______.
No, no ::here are all the reasons you’re wrong::.
Oh gosh, okay, um, yeah, thanks.
If you gave someone a compliment, think about what would you want them to say. Then start to become your ideal compliment recipient.
Have a script for how you will respond to compliments
I’m a huge fan of having scripts for difficult conversations. And talking out loud to yourself. And practicing things in advance. All of these work when it comes to accepting compliments. If your boss showers you with praise and you never know how to take it, plan what you’re going to say in advance.
If your script can work in multiple situations, even better. So when your boss says, “The clients were really impressed with your work,” you say, “Thank you! I worked really hard on that project. I’m glad they enjoyed it.” And when a visitor says, “Whoa, you painted the living room all by yourself? It looks awesome!” you say, “Thank you! I worked really hard on it. I’m glad we can enjoy it.”
And if you need an even shorter script, use actress and activist Grace Gordon’s: thank you, it’s true (a script so effective, folks have it as a tattoo!).
Reframe what a compliments is to you
One of the most magical things about the human brain is that often, we can reframe entire experiences to mean something else. This can have both positive and negative impacts, of course, and often leads to misunderstandings, but in terms of reframing negative narratives, thought patterns, and feelings for ourselves, it’s great.
A compliment doesn’t have to be a cringe-worthy experience. In fact, it doesn’t even have to be about you, the compliment recipient! I believe everyone should take their compliments and wear them like shiny badges of honor (myself included), but if you’re struggling, you can reframe it any which way you like. You could tell yourself things like:
I respect the compliment-giver and it would be an insult to them to imply that their statement is incorrect.
The compliment-giver is expressing gratitude or admiration, which is a positive experience for them and not something that I want to deny them.
The compliment-giver is so astute for noticing how great I did on this project/how much I helped the family/how great I look today.
The best way to get better at taking compliments isn’t to read my blog and take all of my advice—it’s to figure out how you think and feel about compliments and figure out the best way to react and respond for you. That’s why reframes are great. They’re custom-made by you, for you.
Put the good words to good use
A compliment can be many things: a passing remark, a weird power battle, a way to start a conversation, or a kind and genuine appreciation of you (which is the kind we’re focusing on here). Don’t let someone’s energy and kind words go to waste!
Save the kind words to read when you’re feeling down or need to defeat impostor syndrome
When I teach people how to defeat impostor syndrome, one of the actions that is the most useful is to create a resume of success, as in a list of every possible piece of evidence that refutes the subject of your impostor syndrome.
I have a tag in my Gmail called “Compliments and kind words” that I use to tag any and all nice emails. When I feel impostor syndrome or a lack of confidence creeping in, I can bring up dozens and dozens of nice things people have said about me, my writing, and my work in one click.
You can tag emails, keep a page in your journal where you write down nice things, or have screenshots on your phone of texts and messages. When you’re feeling down, you’ll have what you need to build confidence and give you a boost right at your fingertips.
Ask if you can use their kind words in a testimonial or to make a connection
If a coworker compliments you and you immediately think, Gosh, I wish my boss could hear this, why not...ask your coworker to shoot your boss a quick email saying the same thing? Cue shriveling up and dying inside again!
But listen: the person giving you a compliment went out of their way to say something nice and they might be willing to go the extra mile and put a purpose to those words. Making asks like this can take practice, but guess what? A lot of the tools—like creating scripts and practicing in advance—are the same.